Launching Children and Moving On

Paulina G. McCullough, A.C.S. W.
Sandra K. Rutenberg, Ph.D.

For families in the stage of life that begins with the launching of the children and continues until retirement, there are particular developmental issues, transitions, tasks, and clinical problems. In terms of the age of the parents, this stage usually extends from the mid-40s to the mid-60s.

The chapter's title reflects what is generally thought to be the main purpose of family life—that is, the care, protection, and socialization of children until such time as they become independent adults. Thus this phase used to be termed the "empty nest," and was thought to be a largely negative transition, particularly for women, the primary caretakers. However, while this transition may begin with the first child's exit from the home, it involves a myriad of familial transitions and tasks of personal growth beyond the parenting function (Carter and McGoldrick, Chapter 1). Broadly, these transitions and tasks relate to:

1. The changing function of marriage.
2. The development of adult-to-adult relationships between grown children and their parents.
3. The expansion of family relationships to include in-laws and grandchildren.
4. The opportunity to resolve relationships with aging parents.

These tasks provide an inherent opportunity to reexamine the meaning of family at every level. If the middle-aged couple previously functioned as though they existed merely for the procreation of children, this phase can loom as empty and meaningless. Such couples may be unable to adapt to a life that no longer counts on the parenting function to organize their relationship. Similarly, if adult children no longer need their parents, or chose divergent or opposing life-styles, then the parents may see few reasons for staying connected to these adult children. Given that the older generation is now entering a phase of physical decline and may require more care and attention, the middle-aged adult must come to terms with his or her responsibility to meet these needs, along with looking to institutions or social agencies for assistance. The previous meaning of family is further enlarged by the marriages of adult children. which create linkages to other family systems. The marriages of one's children also signal the beginning of a new family life cycle, and portend the birth of grandchildren who share in the heritages of two extended families.

The duration of this stage. between the leaving home of the last child and the death of one spouse, has increased since the first decade of the century from a median of less than two to almost 20 years. This reflects both the younger age of the mother when the last child leaves home and greater life expectancy. The smaller family, the greater employment of women, and the changing role definitions of women and men both before the launching period and continuing into the middle years have importance in shaping the activities and interests of the couple at midlife. These changes, which will be discussed in detail below, suggest that this stage of life deserves to be thought of more in terms of its own strengths and resources and less in terms of the "empty nest."

Schram (1979) states that research efforts in the area of families with grown children have been partial, inconclusive, and at times contradictory in their premises and subsequent findings. After reviewing literature on marital satisfaction for this stage, she concludes there are three competing descriptions of what happens for the couple in the post-child-rearing stage:

1. the "empty nest syndrome," which posits that there are problems for one or both of the parents;
2. the "curvilinear model," which claims increased freedom and independence for the couple: and
3. variations in marital satisfaction that are minor in nature.

These competing explanations need further exploration. Certainly, for some families, reaching this stage may be seen as a time of fruition, completion, and a second opportunity to consolidate or expand by exploring new avenues and new roles. For others, taking a second look may lead to disruption (divorce and other problems) a sense of overwhelming loss (empty nest syndrome), and general disintegration (illness and death). A broad theoretical model would postulate that families fall on a continuum of functioning. For the more functional families, rites of passage are dealt with as part of family life: the more dysfunctional families may find many of the nodal events to be either more disruptive or possibly conflictual. Many of these families have dealt with events during previous stages as "crises" of one kind or another. For still other families. previous stages have been completed with difficulty and unresolved problems have been brought along to the present stage. To some degree. within each stage there is a "recapitulation" of previous issues. In more functional families. issues get dealt with and resolved as they occur. The families seen in therapy may be those that are more likely to see the transition in negative terms. and to experience significant difficulty in accomplishing any or all of the above a tasks.

While this chapter will take an intergenerational approach, it will focus primarily on the middle generation. as their tasks relate to each other, their adult children, and their aging parents. Particular attention will be paid to the marriage itself, as well as coming to terms with aging parents, for it is the quality of those primary connections to the spouse and the family of origin that will determine how successfully the children will be "launched." The focus will be on those families in which both parents were present through the childrearing stage and who are continuing together into the launching period. There is a fairly large population where divorce has occurred previously. Moreover, many of the divorced parents remarry rather quickly, creating "reconstituted families." In these and in one-parent families, there are extra tasks for this stage that are dealt with elsewhere in this book (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1981).

The first section of the chapter will discuss demographic changes relating to this stage of the life cycle as they illuminate its various tasks. The second section will examine the four major tasks of the phase and suggest some typical problems arising for families at this time. The third section will focus on clinical approaches to launching families. It is the thesis of the authors that thinking about this phase in terms of its unique challenges and possibilities can contribute greatly to effective treatment, and provide an opening for the resolution of what may well be long-standing difficulties in the family system.

The most salient changes that can be statistically observed about this stage of the family life cycle are:

1. the increased life expectancy in the general population,
2. the reduction in size of the nuclear family,
3. the increase in the number of women involved in the workforce, and
4. the increase in the divorce rate.

Each of these changes reflects shifts in the general population that are manifested in changing attitudes, demands, and possibilities for this stage, and are felt with varying degrees of intensity by the individual families making this transition. The increased life expectancy is of primary importance, as the longevity of adults actually created this stage in the first place.

The Census Bureau 1981 special report on Americans during midlife includes in middle age all those between the ages of 45 and 64. In 1979 the middle-aged included 44 million persons, about 20% of the U.S. population. By the year 2010, the number will almost double, to 75 million, approximately 25% of the population. Not only is this group great in numbers, but it is also significant to our discussion that "nine out of every ten middle-aged persons currently live in families and the vast majority of them live with their spouses" (US Bureau of the Census, 1981).

The reduction in size of the nuclear family means that parents are finished with the primary task of launching children at an earlier age. An analysis of the age of mothers at the time of various life events (Glick, 1977) highlights the increased duration of the post-child-rearing stage and permits some speculation about its significance. The median age of first marriage has remained fairly constant over the last 80 years (although increasing in recent years), as has the age of the mother at the birth of the first child. However, the age of the mother at the birth of the last child has dropped appreciably. The age of the mother when her last child marries has also dropped. Lastly, the age of the mother at the time of the death of her spouse has increased greatly. The last three points mean that at present people are facing much longer periods of marriage in the post-child-rearing stage.

In fact, this midlife stage might be considered as encompassing a two-part process. As described by Duvall (1971), these two stages are:

1. families as launching centers (the time from the first child's exit from the family until the last child leaves home) and
2. middle-aged parents (from the empty nest to retirement).

Solomon (1973) addressed the processes involved, stating that the task for the parents involves "relinquishing the primary nature of the gratification involved in the role of parents . . . . This necessitates the existence of a stabilized marital relationship."

At present the time period between the departure of the last child and retirement is astonishingly long, making marital adjustment pivotal to this stage. The average couple today can anticipate 13 years together between the time their last child leaves home and retirement. Concurrent with this is a changing social emphasis on middle age as a time of new opportunities and life expansion. Marriage at this stage is beginning to reflect these changes. Couples run the gamut from those who seem contentedly to embrace middle age and live vicariously through married children and grandchildren to those in which one suddenly realizes that "life out there is beckoning." This realization can lead to overt conflict and a need for a different marital relationship.

The increase in divorce affects the family at nearly every stage of the life cycle. For the family entering this phase, when the couple's "mission" as parents appears complete, divorce offers one option for renegotiating an unsatisfactory relationship. Although most divorces occur in the first ten years of marriage, a recent survey showed that 11% of divorces and annulments during 1982 were for individuals who had been married 20 or more years (PHSVital Statistics of the United States, 1986). The present middle-aged generation was married at a time when divorce rates were much lower. These couples are therefore more likely to see divorce as a personal failure (Hagestad & Smyer, 1982). Hagestad and Smyer state that because most divorces occur in the 20s and 30s, those people divorcing after age 40 will experience less peer support. Moreover, "the prospects of new marital roles and relationships are drastically different for men and women due to the combined effects of sex differences in the death rates and the double standard of aging. Men have a much larger pool of possible partners to choose from" (p. 167).

Middle-aged households are, in general. well off economically. The age group 45-54 had the highest mean household income ($31,516 in 1986) of any age group (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1986). Increased labor-force participation by women generally, and specifically in the 45-64 age range, represents another factor that is changing the economic situation of couples in the post-child-rearing period. In fact, 62.9% of all women 45-54 and 41.7% of all women 55-64 were in the labor force in 1984 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1986).

The kinds of work women are doing is relevant. In 1970 women represented 33.9% of all workers in managerial and professional occupations. In 1980 that had risen to 40.60. In 1970 they represented 59% of the "technical sales and administrative support" positions in the workforce. In 1980 that figure was 64.4%. In the service occupations, women represent 58.9% of the total labor force. With children leaving home at this stage, many women may experience this transition as a release from the dual demands of family and career. But family needs do not cease as the children leave: the growing old-old population is presenting unprecedented dilemmas to the generation in the middle regarding caregiving responsibility and the nature of autonomy.

The questions these social changes raise are important. How will these changes affect the relationships between the adult generations? Are families in the midlife stage evolving a new role in overall family development? Will new family rituals as well as new roles be needed? The fact that technology and demographic changes have made this stage almost as lengthy as the childrearing stage lends further impetus to the need for research on this period to help families negotiate their many transitions productively.

The marital bond regains prominence at this time of transition. Many forces within the family system seem to accentuate the need to refocus, review, and often establish a different arrangement in the marriage. Letting go of childrearing leaves more time available for couples to devote to self-reflection. With those couples for whom the rearing of children has been the central force organizing and maintaining their relationship, the task will involve a more drastic shift, requiring them to rethink the meaning of family, and in particular the meaning of marriage. In addition, the marriage of the children often propels the parents (and grandparents) to think about their own marriages. The death of an elderly parent, or a growing awareness of their frailties, further highlights the need to ensure a good quality to one's own life. For many individuals the shift has been gradual, or there does not seem to be a great urgency to change: for others, there seems to be a sudden awakening to some forgotten aspect of life. or an impulse to undertake some very different direction.

By this time the marriage has endured many shifts: from the more romantic. idealistic. and/or sexual emphasis, through the more prosaic, child-rearing, team-mate era. These previous sequences might have culminated in a relationship that is seasoned. stable, and more satisfactory than at any other time. It might also be more conflictual, more tenuous, and more alienated. In the absence of children, the conjugal bond, whatever its nature, will gain prominence. By the same token, more reliance on it will make existing strains more obvious.

Schram (1979), in reviewing research focused on this stage, suggests that the lessening of traditional sex role constraints in the post parental stage may be an important variable related to marital satisfaction. The couple may adopt either more constricted or more expanded roles. Greater freedom from parental responsibilities may prompt the husband toward expansion and the wife toward "holding on" to the marriage and her husband. On the other hand, the wife might start a move in the direction of expansion by pursuing a separate venture or career. If the marriage was based on her being adaptive, essentially a caretaker, and responsible for fulfilling most of the husband's wants, the shift will create an imbalance that will be keenly felt by the husband, and will contribute to temporary or extended disruption. Swensen, Eskew, and Kohlepp (1981) distinguish the more mature (postconformist) from the less mature (conformist) couples. They note that for the postconformists, relationships have more depth and there is more expression of love than at any other time in the life cycle. Conformists couples, however, reach this stage after having curtailed their individual development. For the conformist couples, the marital trajectory shows that "both the amount of love expressed between a husband and wife and the number of problems they have declines. That is, there appears to be less happening between them, for either good or ill" (p. 849). They add that in long-term conformist marriage, there seems to be less interaction. areas of conflict seem to be sealed off, and there is significantly less self-disclosure. Altman and Taylor (1973) and Bowen (1978) advance the notion that a combination of anxiety and immaturity will lead the members of a couple to veer away from potentially conflict-laden subjects to more emotionally safe areas, so as to limit exchanges that cause arguments. This veering away from each other may lead to emotional distance, physical distance, and the development of physical symptoms or continued "child" focus (Bradt & Moynihan, 19711. One obvious question is to what degree the marriage has accommodated the needs for intimacy and separateness. In other words. how well has the interdependency worked? Too much dependence may stress the bond in at least one partner (the more adaptive, usually the wife). Too much distance may make one partner feel "out of touch," "uncared for," leading to stress and dissatisfaction, which at this age may show up as physical symptoms.

At this age a relationship appears to exist between marital status and certain health indices. The psychophysiologist Lynch (1977) notes that "the single, the widowed, and the divorced were two to four times more likely than married people to die prematurely from hypertension, stroke, and coronary disease." However. he states that "both the presence and the absence of human contact can be critical factors leading to disease and premature death." He adds that "the mere presence of another . . . is not an unmitigated blessing . . . for unpleasant human interactions may even be physically destructive" (p. 121). Working with a family coping with a chronic illness at this stage is complex. Although the family may be struggling with ongoing difficulties antedating the onset of the illness, families will often use fear of stirring up illness-related repercussions as a reason for avoiding the underlying issues. Those who are able to take a productive and thoughtful role in relation to the disabilities or impending death of an elderly parent will often be more adaptive when it comes to dealing with these issues in themselves or in the spouse.

Marriage for certain families is synonymous with conflict; conflict represents a chief mechanism by which the family deals with anxiety and "undifferentiation" (Bowen, 1966). Chronic marital conflict may at this stage take the form of either overt warfare or silent distance. In such families individuals cannot live with, but cannot live without. their family relationships. However, even marital difficulties of long standing may be spurred toward change "in the course of events" when individuals come face to face with unavoidable transitions such as launching.

More often than not, the state of the marriage is a good measure of individual functioning and autonomy (Vaillant, 1977). However, demands at this stage pose different issues for the wife and for the husband and deserve separate consideration.

Erickson (1964) first described the maturation pattern for individuals as it developed from identity formation in the adolescent to intimacy in early adulthood, and to generativity, or its obverse, stagnation, in midlife. Since then a number of authors have studied individuals at midlife and delineated and expanded our understanding of this stage. Male profiles have been studied by Levinson (1978) and Vaillant (1977), and female profiles by Gilligan (1982) and others. Common to authors describing middle age is the attempt to differentiate successful from unsuccessful outcomes, mature from immature profiles. Bowen (1978)—in a general description that cuts across gender and age lines—bases his definition of maturity or differentiation on how individuals have managed the individual/togetherness balance. Any individual stands at the apex of multiple family forces. Viewed in this manner, experiences with which individuals have to deal at any stage. and their outcome, will depend as much on what that individual's position has been in the family as on the events themselves. A common clinical finding is that individuals in one family seem able to sail through the different stages. where as for individuals in other families, their behavior seems more problem-prone in all the life-cycle transitions. For instance. in some families men in successive generations experience rather tumultuous changes at 40, whereas in other families men make the transition more gradually.

Gilligan (1982) conceptualizes that biological and psychological dicta direct women along a different developmental path than men. Relationships and attachments have primacy for women, and maturity is eventually reached by integrating this focus on intimacy with a capacity for autonomy and separateness. Neugarten (1976) states that to the extent that a woman has been able to build on her own individuality, major life transitions will be accomplished more smoothly. This suggests that the constricted cohort of women at this stage is composed of those who have built their lives by concentrating on the needs of family at the expense of their own needs. Unless they are able to continue to do so by caring for adult children and for grandchildren, the absence of offspring will in this case be experienced as attrition.

There have been too few comprehensive studies of this period of life. In one study Harkins (1978), reviewing a sample of 318 "normal" women, determined that effects of "empty nest" are slight and disappear within two years. She found no effect of the transition on the physical well-being and. in fact, a positive effect on psychological well-being. This same study suggests one clue as to what might be classified as the "intermediate" group—those having some difficulties with the transition. The only variable showing a relationship to adjustment was what she termed "being off schedule." She concluded, "The only threat to well-being may be in having a child who does not become successfully independent when expected" (p. 555). Glenn (1975) reported that "postparental" mothers experience greater happiness, enjoyment of life, and marital happiness than women of similar age who have a child at home. What we do not know is how many of these happier women considered by Glenn were in the workforce.

In the past two decades, the women's movement has provided added momentum in making women and men more aware of the possibilities for expansion within the marriage and in the wider world. More women have embraced possibilities for expansion into paid work. At present women make up approximately half of the labor force. Furthermore, women are increasingly defining careers as an important component in reaching optimal maturity. The most recent cohorts of middle-aged couples have shown a capacity to negotiate dual careers. and even commuter marriages, both of which require flexibility, creativity, and a capacity to be both independent and connected. In previous stages of the life cycle, dual careers might be a source of some anxiety in that work had to be balanced against the need for nurturing younger children. At this stage. however, both spouses are more able to pursue careers unhindered by the concerns associated with caring for youngsters. On the other hand, there is evidence that many women are continuing to take on responsibility for the growing elderly population. Moreover, women, who have heretofore expressed autonomy through voluntarism or part-time employment. discover a new kind of self-fulfillment by embracing work or career. For still another group of women who have considered work mostly in financial terms, this becomes the stage to pursue a better-defined career choice.

Male profiles have been studies by Levinson ( 1978) and Vaillant (1977). Vaillant (1977) reported that of 95 men, 26 reported stable marriages after an average of 20 years. The author adds that "no single longitudinal variable predicted mental health as clearly as a man's capacity to remain happily married over time" (p. 320). Career goals, although not pursued with the same intensity of previous stages, are still very important in middle age. For many individuals careers continue along the same ascending line, as evidenced by job promotions, appointment to executive functions, wider recognition, and financial success. It was previously stated that individuals reach their peak, as measured by per capita income, at this period. However, it is also a crossroads for many who will feel that they have gone as far as they can go in their job (Levinson, 1977). As corporations and industry reorganize, some men become unemployed. If the wife is also working, the consequences may not be as deleterious as if the man is the main support. Also, the growing public consideration in the 1980s of early retirement may be experienced by some men as constricting, and by others as liberating. The more resourceful individuals will use these socially induced changes to reach new competence by developing heretofore unknown talents, or by setting out on a path to a new career. However, if the couple is continuing to provide financial assistance to grown children in graduate school, or to elderly parents for medical expenses, then these pressures may counter any inclination to make career changes at this stage.

Men who have single-mindedly pursued a career now face changes in self, family, and/or environment, and may realize the limited and limiting nature of their pursuits. Change seems essential. They may accomplish it by expanding or adding new activities to the existing one, or they may change careers altogether. In many instances the impetus to change is provided in the marriage. The wife may insist on and demand a different, deeper, more expansive relationship; formerly the husband would have resisted, but now he may be able to envisage change. At other times a momentum to change comes from some kind of temporary limitation, such as illness, mental fatigue, or unremitting job pressure (Vaillant, 1977). It should be noted that some men may experience the leaving of the children as a personal loss. Though more at a distance, they, too, may have perceived the raising of the children as a central purpose for their lives. Furthermore, children engaging in fully adult lives are a reminder to the parents that they are in the latter part of their own lives. The impact of losses and shifts that are occurring at this time are sometimes demonstrated indirectly through affairs, or emphasis on material possessions such as the purchase of sports cars or boats, or in some kind of acting out.

The existence of positive relationships with grown children represents the culmination of along process of gradually "letting go." starting in childhood, gaining momentum in adolescence, and leading to some kind of physical separation of the young adult through college or work. The completion of this process is what has been called "launching." Some indicators of successful separation in the young adult are acquisition of skills to embark on a job or career, independent living arrangements (or plans in this direction) and development of stable peer associations and of intimate relationships. Two subsequent developments—marriage and reproduction—balance out individual pursuits by building the "self-other" dimension that rounds out the development of the young adult.

If previous stages proceeded uneventfully, then at this point parents will be able to respond with support and interest to the new tasks undertaken by their children. They may acknowledge a "remembrance of things past," which usually does not interfere with launching. Positive attitudes of parents will vary, based on family norms. In some families choosing a college, a career, or a spouse is left largely up to the young adult. In other families the younger generation, or one of its members, is supposed to achieve many of the goals and aspirations for prior generations. When this dictum centers on one person, this particular individual, even though successful by all outward standards, may be "locked in" in much the same manner as a seemingly impaired child; however, these individuals and families have not been within the purview of mental health services.

There have been a variety of studies focused on the issues involved in launching children. Anderson et al. (1977) studied 100 asymptomatic families through self-reports. One of the questions asked parents how they expected they would feel when their children, now in adolescence, finally left home. The researchers found that "although 33 percent expected a loss of sense of family, 51 percent anticipated new opportunities and 21 percent even expected a sense of relief" at having completed this stage. For the last two groups, "the often cited empty nest syndrome did not appear to be a major problem."

The separation involved in launching the young adult seems, at first glance, to be an interaction primarily involving the young adult and his or her parents. In reality established multigenerational family patterns regarding the degree of autonomy allowed and the ways in which it may be gained, are equally decisive. In some families there seem to be "loaded" and "freer" positions following definite patterns over the generations—for instance, oldest or youngest. In most families expectations seem to be quite different for men and for women. Extremes of closeness and distance between the older two generations will have a negative impact on launching. A middle-aged parent who has emotionally cut off from his or her parents will show heightened sensitivity to the separation of his or her children. Conversely. emotional overinvolvement of parents with their own aged parents can lead to problematic responses in their own children.

Once again the status of the marriage will play a major role in the outcome of this process. Solomon (1973) states that "if the solidification of the marriage has not taken place and reinvestment is not possible. the family usually mobilizes itself. . . to hold on to the last child . . . prior to that, the family may avoid the conflict around separation by allowing one child to leave and subsequently focusing on the next in line" (p. 186). It is an axiom of family functioning that reciprocal dependence between parents and child will manifest itself as a focus on one of the children (Haley, 1980, p. 30).

Another common mechanism by which families deal with difficulties in "letting go" is by "cutting off" (emotionally and/or physically). Cutoff can look like emancipation but emotional dependence drives the process. Cutoff may involve one individual or a whole segment of the family. It may be triggered by any event, for example, the marriage of a young adult that is opposed by the parents, and it is particularly frequent after a death of an important family member, when underlying toxic issues have not been resolved. Similarly. families may be split into two clumps by matters involving estates, money, who was favored, or any conflictual issue with regard to which people cannot resolve their differences. Both cutoffs and polarization may last from weeks to years, depending on the existing anxiety and the triangles involved. Cutoffs over marriage are often the most pervasive, elusive, and difficult to surmount (Bowen, 1978).

Physical independence without the accompanying emotional autonomy could be defined as pseudolaunching. Running away from home by joining the armed forces, precipitous marriages, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, drug dependence, and alcohol abuse all point to difficulties with separation. The underlying dependence comes to light when the young, adult gets into difficulties and needs to be "bailed out" by parents (Haley, 1980). Other variations of pseudolaunching are extended reliance on family for support (particularly financial) and returning home after a first stint at launching (in one family all three sons returned home after college, claiming that there were no jobs open to them). Vicissitudes in the marketplace will sometimes make it difficult to differentiate between family process and societal processes.

The most common pattern when trouble surfaces with the launching process is for parents to identify the problem as residing in the young adult. The history and the intensity of the difficulties will influence the degree of this projection. The parents typically adopt one of the following postures:

"It is a bolt out the blue." The family has regarded itself as highly functional and is "shocked" at the realization that something might be wrong. Here there had been an idealized way of dealing with life, an avoidance of conflict, and a premium placed on harmony and closeness and the successes of the young adult. Successful launching of the first child can prolong the myth of the "happy family."

At the other extreme is the family that has traditionally dealt with conflict by seeing it in one child. Symptomatic behavior is treated as one more instance of a problem in that individual. A family approach will provide the opportunity to look at the youngster more broadly and address the systemic issues that keep the problem alive. However, knowledge of systems on the part of the expert is not always sufficient to gain the family's acceptance of this view. A number of special strategic approaches have been developed to deal with strongly resistant families (Haley, 1973, 1980; Palazzoli et al., 1978; Wright et al., 1982).

"There's nothing wrong with it": here family and offspring coalesce to hold onto each other. The family where all three sons returned home, jobless, after college illustrates this. The mother, in a passionate discourse (silently supported by the father), provided all kinds of good reasons for her children to be home. What she did not discuss so clearly was that the marriage was stagnant and the presence of the sons provided a sense of vitality and movement otherwise lacking in the household.

"We thought we were finished with this." In these families the couple has been "looking forward to the time when the last child will leave home and become financially independent." Failure to launch may represent a transgenerational struggle. In other cases the young adults are responding to unresolved issues in either the total family or the couple. Motivation of parents to see the grown child go will be a powerful adjunct to successful outcome in these cases.

A less common problem involves emotional or physical symptoms in the parent. The most common version is some form of depression when the last child leaves. The profile is that of an individual (usually the mother) who has depended on her children for emotional sustenance and whose spouse is unwilling or unable to invest more in the marriage as the children grow up. In these cases launching is perceived very much as a loss. Sometimes the emotional or physical symptoms will act as a trigger to reinvolve the more distant spouse. When this is not the case, the symptoms may go unchecked. In some cases the perceived loss is dealt with by an affair, a separation, or a divorce.

An even more unusual pattern is one where a failure in emancipation alerts parents to problems in themselves. Motivation to explore the issue independently of the troubled young adult is in itself a positive sign and augers good progress.

The marriage plans of the young adult may generate trouble with the middle generation. These difficulties represent manifestations of unsuccessful separation between the middle-aged parents and their offspring. Incorporating in-laws will be more difficult when the offspring chooses a mate in a reactive or challenging stand taken against parents, and where the action appears to be a rejection of values the family holds as important (McGoldrick, Chapter 10). In other instances the young adult chooses the mate to fend off the family. and so the mate is literally a wedge against the family. Very often this mate will embrace the negative views that the adult child/partner has of the family. It is rare that difficulties with in-laws are not displacements from long-standing unresolved family problems. Conflicts may be expressed in terms of which set of parents is favored, or in a tug of war over which set of parents will be visited for the holidays, and so on.

Marriage represents one of the main transitions for the young adult and creates a common denominator between the generations. The middle generation faces the task of "coming to terms" with new levels or conditions of attachment in the marriages of the other two generations. Problems the middle generation has in adjusting to the married state of the new generation may range from one extreme of too much interference to the other of feeling that their children no longer need them and thus they feel superfluous, unwanted, or displaced. For the middle-aged couple, marriage of a child will set in motion a whole host of reflections, feelings, and strong emotions, depending on the state of their own marriage. By the same token, witnessing how successfully or unsuccessfully the older generation is coping with changes in the conditions of their marriage will provide a glimpse into their own (middle-aged) future.

Birth of the fourth generation leads to a new state of relatedness; children become parents; siblings become aunts and uncles, parents become grandparents. Feikema (1978) has elaborated on the meaning of this transition for the family system. As is true for other markers in this stage, the grandparenting function has wide variations (Hagestad, 1985: Bengston, 1985). For many families this role is steeped in tradition. Grandparents are authority figures who help the parents with the socialization of children by articulating expectations regarding them. For other families, especially in the case of younger grandparents, the role is more of "fun seeking" (Neugarten, 1976), where the adult joins the grandchild for the specific purpose of having fun. Other functions that grandparents seem to serve are "as an indicator of intergenerational continuity or as a buffer against the family's potential mortality" (Bengston, 1985, p. 25). Another is one of "family watchdog," a third is that of "arbitrator . . . in issues of intergenerational continuity," and finally as "figures in the social construction of biography for younger family members, interpreting and giving meaning to the personal past" (Bengston, 1985, p. 25). For some families, when they live in the same physical location, some grandparents serve either a temporary or regular babysitting function. In any case it is increasingly clear that the grandparents have important functions in the life cycle of their grandchildren (Blau. 1984).

In the bulk of work with adults in the middle years. there seems to be "unfinished business" of all gradations with their parents. In some cases the unfinished business may take a new form upon the death of a parent. The underlying dynamic is a failure in successfully separating emotionally from the parents. This is operative in varying degrees with all families. Unfinished business blocks both generations from accomplishing the expected tasks of that particular life stage.

The life issues that the older generation are tackling—for instance, retirement, financial security, increased time together, decreased physical functioning, and an increase of physical symptoms—will all have an impact on the middle generation. Women are almost always the physical and emotional caretakers in the family, while men often take most of the financial responsibility. The problems of aging in the older generation, not only have to be dealt with, but they also portend the problems that their middle age children will soon face themselves. Death of one spouse is one of the major tasks facing older adults. Neugarten (1976) found that the elderly spouses' reactions to death cover a wide range. She concluded that a considerable number of elderly show great acceptance, and in these cases the death causes little disruption. All of the above will require decisions about autonomous living versus moving in with a middle-aged son or daughter, or selecting a nursing home. The state of intergenerational relatedness will affect these decisions. Conflict in the middle or younger generations usually has a negative impact on older adults. Realistic interdependence with the rest of the family will be conducive to less stress and/or better stress management in the older generation.

In some instances the adults minimize the elderly parent’s concerns about his or her life situation and become impatient or in other ways deny the aged person's perceptions. The clinician can gear the adults to concentrate on what triggers their evasive or angry responses to older family members. In most cases it relates to an inability on the part of the son or daughter to accept the parent on the parent's own terms, and feeling enveloped by the parent's negativity. In a study of adult Jewish-American children of aging parents, Simos (1973) found that the middle-aged adults felt guilty and powerless to help if their parents were depressed and unhappy. Aging parents may sense their children's confusion, but misinterpret it as rejection. When the son or daughter can become less critical and feel less responsible for their parents' happiness, the parents will often take a less negative view of their own lives.

Individuals in the middle generation may also have trouble with what they consider the parents' uninvolved, uncaring, or sometimes rejecting attitudes toward their own difficulties. Many times these feelings are prompted by the grandparents' responses to the vagaries of the growing grandchildren. The unspoken or perceived criticism from grandparents that parents have been too lax or incompetent will cause strife in the relationship. Being able to hear the grandparents' criticism as a measure of their interest. and an expression of their anxiety will usually help the middle-aged parents respond less defensively.

For the middle-aged person. a major transition occurs with the death of elderly parents. This can involve awareness of new responsibilities as the lead generation and heightened awareness of their own mortality. For the middle-aged child, death of an older parent need not be a crisis. In support of this notion, Neugarten (1976) describes the attitudes of functional families toward these deaths as more of a natural happening. Problems arise when general relationship difficulties in the family have not been resolved. For some families the overriding reaction to the death of the parent is guilt, which signals unresolved issues. Guilt is not necessarily related to having been distant or in conflict with a parent. Often it is seen in those who have been overresponsible for and overinvolved with parents for a greater portion of their lives. Another issue, common for family caregivers, is resentment toward their siblings, who are often minimally involved and apparently lacking in anxiety regarding the parents' care.

Finally, when family members are unable to deal with the issue of loss of the grandparents, the unresolved issues are likely to reappear in some other form. Bowen (1978) has written about pervasive chain reactions after certain deaths, much like "shock wave effects." Orfanidis (1977) and Walsh (1978), in their studies of families of schizophrenics, have independently noted that the death of a grandparent marks as special the child born around that time. In these cases such connections and the impact of the death are denied by the family. Many factors may be associated with the toxicity surrounding a death. As with other life events, general flexibility of the system, its openness, and the level of functioning maturity are the most significant factors (Bowen, 1978; McGoldrick & Walsh, 1984; Paul & Paul, 1982).

A three-generational view of this midlife stage orients us to issues that exist between nuclear and extended families. The degree of success that the parents have demonstrated in dealing with issues of autonomy, responsibility, and connectedness with their respective families of origin will have definitive impact on their success in handling these issues with their grown children. This framework does not merely reframe the presenting problem as part of a historical overview, but subtly changes the family members' outlook from the problem and crisis to one of context.

The family life cycle perspective transforms the experience of the family members from a narrow focus on a problem or crisis to a process orientation involving succeeding generations. When one sees himself or herself as part of a larger whole, the sense of being overwhelmed may lessen. Also, the feelings of guilt or fault, common to the early phase of therapy, may be replaced by a gradual recognition of how the family influences and shapes behavior.

By the same token, the larger framework enables the therapist to be less at the mercy of the opposing forces that seem to polarize family members into different camps or opposing causes and that provide wide oscillations from one generation to the next: the grandfather being a heavy drinker, the father being a teetotaler, and the grandson drinking heavily again in the course of three successive generations (Carter, 1976). A different view of issues and symptoms as part of a larger whole sets the present experience (heretofore defined as pathological, intractable, or hopeless) within the context of a natural (or at least understandable) occurrence.

Underlying unresolved issues may be triggered in any of the three generations. Depending on the degree of anxiety generated, all three subsystems may respond with accompanying shifts or upsets of the family equilibrium. The following case examples by no means convey the full range of possibilities, but are suggestive of the scope and interrelatedness of events in any family. The first (Figure 13-1) highlights how a family that had been outwardly successful in dealing with previous stages—mainly through insistence on togetherness and conformity—experience a "rude awakening" during the launching of the last child. Failure to emancipate turned out to be secondary to unresolved marital familial issues of long standing.

Marital strife tends to be particularly vitriolic at this stage of life. Guerin (1982) conceptualizes four stages of marital conflict, adding that knowledge of the stage of conflict will facilitate prognosis and aid in predicting pitfalls. In those marriages in which an "emotional divorce" has been in operation for a protracted length of time, or in which one of the protagonists perceives divorce as the answer to all existing troubles, the focus may be less on reviving the marriage and more on calming down and easing the separating process.

Another version of family interaction is one that fixes responsibility for parent and offspring with the middle generation. This book has made plain that the separation involved in launching only seems to involve primarily the young adults and their parents. In reality established multigenerational family patterns regarding the degree of autonomy allowed, and the ways in which it may be gained, are equally decisive. The following vignette (Figure 13-2) attests to an instance where failure of the parents-in-the-middle to separate successfully from their own parents contributed to impairment in their adult daughter. Furthermore, for the Bartok family, responsibility for both elderly parents and offspring was fixed on the middle generation.

Of equal importance in dealing with separation from parents, or perhaps a specific demonstration of the process, is dealing with the impending death of one, or both, parents. In the more functional families, matters relating to death, such as wills, executors, and the like, transpire over along period of time. The onset of critical illness and impending death are sometimes more difficult for the son or daughter to absorb. Clinically the optimal result is achieved if the client is aware of the importance for himself or herself of addressing the situation and his or her feelings with an ailing parent. Fears of making the situation worse, of not knowing the "right way" or the right words, or of taking hope away from the ill member are some of the forms in which individuals couch their anxieties and hesitation,. In therapy the unresolved parts of the relationship can be brought out in bold relief. Some are painfully aware that discussing personal matters was not part of the relationship; for others the realization is one of too much existing emotion, with the accompanying fears of being overwhelmed, of crying, or of totally losing control. The therapeutic focus is to help the individual obtain a better grasp of the situation, and his or her role in it, and to encourage personal contact and communication with the members of the extended family. Furthermore, the individual in middle age can learn a lot for herself or himself while supporting elderly parents through their life review. This entails encouraging older people to ponder out loud what their lives have meant, what their successes and failures have been, and who the significant people involved were. Nevertheless, it is not universal that elderly persons want to reflect on or review their lives openly. The important point is that what elderly people appreciate is a friendly and accepting person, rather than somebody who will attempt to reassure or convince them that things were really better or different than their perceptions.

It is not essential to have the older generation in the room to resolve unfinished business. It suffices to coach the motivated middle-aged adult to engage in different behavior. Also, this middle generation varies considerably in the motivation to modify patterns. Death of the parents seems to compound the difficulties. This finding is consistent with Bowen’s (1978) belief that the probability of successfully resolving past problems seems to diminish with the death of both parents.

An interesting clinical finding is that the death of a parent may also resolve an attachment and help the offspring feel more responsible for self, providing him or her with a never known sense of freedom. In some cases (McCullough, 1978), it can propel this middle-aged individual into a veritable metamorphosis.

In relation to the young adult who becomes identified as the problem, the two clinical examples illustrate some of the outstanding dynamics. One overall principle is that the young adult "stuck" in the parental triangle will have the most difficulties around launching, although in some families each youngster may have difficulty with this task. Concentrating efforts on areas other than the offspring will often ameliorate, and sometimes resolve, problems with the impaired young adult. Success in approaching the issue of a "problem" adult child depends to some extent on the capacity to determine the function that the symptomatic behavior serves for the family, as well as the position that the problem-prone adult holds. The triangled child is often the most dysfunctional member of the family. In most instances the "stuck" young adult seems to be satisfied with letting the parents be primary movers in therapy.

Finally, Friedman (Chapter 6) points out that family rituals and rites of passage around engagements, marriage, birth, and death can give people an opportunity to work out previous unfinished business. We have found this to be true, particularly in those cases where the person is motivated for an ongoing venture or engagement with the extended family.

The post-child-rearing stage is often a time of consolidation, and functioning, as expressed by experience and maturity, and financial solvency (in the middle and upper classes) is generally at its peak. With the child-rearing period behind them, parents can look forward to realizing their full potential. Difficulties at this stage relate to reworking of the marital bonds, as well as the bonds with their parents and their offspring, and adding the new roles of "inlaws" and "grandparents." Most individuals in the middle generation lose one or both parents at this juncture, and they themselves become the older generation.

Thinking about families within a life cycle framework clarifies the predictable tasks to be accomplished at a given stage. The use of the intergenerational dimension offers a means for tracing familial patterns that indicate how the family has traditionally dealt with transitions, especially separations. Experience bears out the principle that whenever there is a serious family problem at this stage—even when there had been no previous evidence of turmoil—there are always preexisting dysfunctional patterns in the family system.

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