Carolyn A. Crawford, Th.M.
Associate Pastor
Bel Air Presbyterian Church
16211 Mulholland Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90049

Reflects on the misperceptions often present in considering the ministry of an unmarried pastor. Points out some of the positive and negative factors of being a single clergy and concludes that whatever the struggles present for the single pastor they ought to be dealt with justice, kindness and humility.

My married pastoral friends look upon my life and at what they label the "freedom of a single pastor" and long for carefree days and for a focus on a ministry that is devoid of the distractions of home and family or the responsibilities and time commitments they entail. My single pastoral friends and I muse and wonder with some sense of wishfulness and longing the "normalcy," "stability," and "security" found in marital bliss. Is this a case of the "other person's grass is always greener?" Well—yes and no. To be sure, there are freedoms and time availabilities to me as a single pastor that would not necessarily be open to me if I were married or had children for whom to care. And yet, there are gross assumptions about how wonderful the life of a single minister is that need both reflection and correction.

The Gospel of Matthew 14:23 reads, "And after Jesus had dismissed the crowds, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone." Solitude and times alone are coveted by all pastors. Those of us who spend much of our time in the fields and areas of care giving, know how critical those times of solitude and isolation are to nurture and care for our own needs of body and soul, to better care for the same in others. I submit that there are unique and different issues for the single pastor, juxtaposed to the married. But unique and different does not qualify one state, married or single, as being "better," "worse," or more or less desirable! Relational status is a function and fact of personality, relational skills and ability for intimacy, and understanding of "calling," among other things. We are called to ministry, men and women, single and married, at different stages and ages and with varying degrees of gifts for particular tasks. We are about the business of "bearing one another's burdens and thus fulfilling the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).

This brief article explores some of the variances that exist for the single pastor, and some of the warnings and pitfalls in which the Church and even the single pastors seem often to find themselves.

I must start such reflection with statements about my own ministry context and what I have found to be true about my ministry as a single pastor. One of the assumptions made about single people in ministry is that if they work on a multiple staff their ministry will be uniquely focused or specialized in the area of "singles." Such was the assumption made by many when I came to fill the position in which I now work. I, however, have no sense of calling that integrates a ministry to and with singles specifically. On the contrary, in a large multiple staff church. as a single pastor I am called to work predominantly with families; and I must focus much of my time and ministry energies on couples, children, single parents. and those who find themselves enmeshed in both healthy and hurting family constellations.

There are, of course, many who wonder about my capability and qualifications to effectively or adequately offer pastoral care and provide for the education and growth of couples with children and older adults who are trying to be integrated into ministry within families. They may wonder "What can she possibly know about the issues and struggles facing a married person when she is single?" There are those, for example, who suggest I couldn't and wouldn't be able to understand the pressures and issues of parenting, the fear and faith they hold for their children, the developmental issues that change for a family as they grow together. I have done premarital and marriage counseling with people who are skeptical at best, because I don't bring to that ministry what some would purport to be a sense of "being whole." By the fact that I am not married, I am in some people's perceptions incomplete and thus have not a full perspective from which to offer care and counsel. Beyond such thoughts and projections rests the question: "I wonder what is 'wrong' with this pastor, why she is not married?" The jokes and jeers of congregations vary. Some muse that "the right mate has not yet been found," a statement which is often coupled with gentle and subtle (sometimes less than gentle) attempts to "matchmake" and "set-up" a coupling!

I feel called to a ministry that embraces care giving and education for the family, with particular concerns for families with younger children. My study and preparatio1 feel fortunate and very blessed, however, that in my position in a church of considerable size, with a ministry and need in a strong and growing focus to the families, there is, for the most part, quite a positive air about what I might have to offer. n have equipped me in these areas. Just as a physician does not need to have the disease of cancer to diagnose and attempt to heal it, a pastor docs not need to be married or to have a family of his or her own to care for and help educate those who find themselves in that state. But this fact is news to some. Some of the ironies of being in this "single state" and caring for families do strike us all, but it by no means should be concluded that singles are not ''fit for the task!"

There are times when the single life is superficially labeled, times when I plan family ministry functions and facilitate programs in which I am the only one present without a spouse or child or both. If I choose to bring a "companion" along to activities sponsored by the church, the rumor mill—sometimes presented under the guise of "Christian caring" or "shared prayer concerns"—has me either engaged to the person or at least offers questions about who ''he" is. The question is asked, "Is this a serious relationship." Of course, some of this is done "tongue in cheek"—but sometimes others' tongues get to wag more than one would like, and my cheeks feel as if slapped once or twice more than anyone would choose.

Issues of dating and other matters related to relationships are reminders of the questions asked in practica and around a dining table at seminary: "Should a single minister date a member of his or her congregation?" I am not personally comfortable with dogmatic statements of "shoulds" and "should nots" related to this and like queries or issues of concern. Suffice to say that single ministers have a responsibility to use good judgment, common sense, appropriate discretion in all interpersonal relationships as well as in all areas of pastoral conduct. This is a principle which applies to married clergy.

Another area of difficulty is when a single pastor is actively involved in single ministry, and offers pastoral care to singles who are struggling with their singleness, i.e., with issues of loneliness, intimacy, sexuality, fears of being alone, broken relationships, the future, etc. In the care giving and counseling process, some of the "felt" needs of the single person seeking care are met in the actual care or counseling process with the single pastor. Here the single person may find someone who listens, who is empathetic, who seems to understand the issues, who is single himself or herself. And often times the care received, in genuine Christian love, is misconstrued to be something other than agape; and feelings stir and at times hopes and dreams of relationships with the caregiver are sparked. To be sure such an issue of transference is not unique to single pastors. How often we hear of the inappropriate counseling behaviors of some clergy, married or not, who act upon their own transference/countertransference issues and embark upon a relationship with a parishioner or counselee which often leads to pain and relational destruction between the two, and often with others connected in the family or church as well. For the single in ministry such dynamics may be accentuated and the need to bear one another's burdens may get so convoluted that the best or most helpful ministry is sometimes aborted or not offered at all.

Another liability facing a single pastor is the claim that singleness allows plenty of time for ministry. How often does the single minister, whether outright or by assumption, have the notion flung at him or her—"Well, since you are single and don't have a wife or husband or children at home, you can do this extra thing, you can make this extra visit, you can take home communion on holidays; and your 'family' won't suffer!" These and other blatant and subtle "hints" about the single pastor's time and how it should be used are often resented by that pastor. With such assumptions frequently come the beliefs that he or she has no life outside of the church, its relationships, no needs no responsibilities or interests beyond the church.

Indeed, the demands congregations place upon single ministers are often quite different from those placed upon married pastors. Although my own ministry context is not in a solo parish, I do know from many friends who are single pastors that the parishioners often expect that they will drop everything, if and when the parishioner needs or wants something. They assume the pastor has the ability and the availability to come and do for them at their beck and call. The ever growing tension for all pastors to take some time off for recreation and for renewal, at the same time meeting the often unrealistic demand of ministries, is great indeed. How to say "No" to some things, and some people, in order to say "Yes" to oneself, is for me a continuous challenge. I suspect this is shared by many in ministry. Learning to "order" one's private and public worlds in a manner that doesn't have a minister working 60-70 hour work weeks, and allows for privacy and personal needs, is crucial. Unfortunately I have no magic formula to offer to enable fellow pastors to get to the place where there is a happy and creative tension between work and play. I do know that accountability is crucial! By this I mean an accountability where friends or fellow pastors, as well as other folk who are in similar leadership positions in the church and who are aware of the legitimate needs for time off and time away, can support and offer a listening ear. Single pastors are not a living "beeper" that can be called and summoned at any time. It is unrealistic and unhealthy to have meetings six or seven nights a week. In an accountability group, a body with whom one can covenant on a regular basis, people can prod and encourage, thus offering a context for accountability. I have found at times that I have had to take my calendar and schedule to a group of friends and seek their help in order to cut some things out, especially when my hours extend beyond any call of duty, and at times when my mind, body and spirit are stretched to the point inhere I am incapable of offering the best ministry because I haven't taken time to care for myself. This is not an easy step. It has felt to me as if I am allowing someone to cut at a part of me. At such times, my own defensiveness and protectiveness is sparked, especially when I have not asked for the guidance; but it comes by means of those caring friends or support groups who take initiative to confront me. Caring friends, leadership in the church, a covenant group, a small or support group, whatever it is labeled, is essential to ministry—for the single pastor as well as a married one. I suspect the needs met by such a group for singles are more vital and intense in a different way than with married pastors,

It should be noted that I am very aware of some of the assumptions being made about married persons; that is, they are a supportive marital relationship. I know the needs and pressures for married pastors, and especially clergy couples, are manifold. Let me propose that for the single pastor focus on the intense need to be in a small group on a regular, preferably on a weekly basis, is an essential for ministry and is paramount in helping single clergy in their development and growth.

A single person, especially one who lives alone without a roommate or who is not part of a community, is not after work or an evening meeting afforded the luxury of coming home to someone with whom to talk, relate, someone with whom one can share oneself and have some personal needs met—physically, emotionally, spiritually. The single person has to schedule such times. Too many days can transpire when a single pastor gets up, goes to the office, attends an evening meeting, and returns home and retires for the evening, without having talked to someone apart from those in the "work" context. This does not imply that single pastors are reclusive or that there are not friendly caring people in offices or within the association of the church with whom the pastors speak throughout the day, but it rather points to the reality that to "plan" for time to talk to someone . . . talking, relating, playing time, means an intentional project needs to be activated. I must confess that sometimes my ministry is so required to be intentional and specifically focused that the last thing I want to do is "plan" or schedule something or someone. And yet, if one is to connect with friends and be involved with outside relationships and activities beyond the walls of the church, it is necessary. One of the obvious places where some of these connectional and caring needs are met for the single pastor is in and through the relationships established in a small group!

One of the struggles that looms for the single pastor is the issue of "loneliness." A small group, or a support group, may help reduce a sense of loneliness; yet for many singles who are in ministry the fact of "being alone" leads to loneliness. Obviously there are distinct differences between being alone and loneliness. The biblical verses quoted at the beginning of this article noted that Jesus desired at times to be alone. Scores of articles and books have been written on elements of loneliness and aloneness. Pastors are not immune to the times of darkness in life when they feel isolated, not by choice but, rather, by design; when they feel deeply alone in the midst of their day-to-day ministry.

When a single person finds himself or herself without ways and means to have another person offer some of the components of relationships usually found in marriage, the ache of loneliness can set in deeply. We are called to be alone at times, with ourselves and with our God. Moments of isolation and aloneness, times when we can nurture solitude and silence, may be the very restoring and healing points of grace in our daily routine, Yet the endeavor to be alone and learn to love it can be an immense project. The liability of "loneliness"—if it comes from an inability to be alone and an inability to grow in the times of "aloneness"—is for the single an opportunity created by fact that she or he is indeed alone. A single pastor knows when he or she returns home that there will be quietude, that there will be no more demands placed on them from spouse or child. Although as a single pastor I deal with distractions in my home and have the ever-present telephone to deal with, I also know that I crave considerable control over such distractions. This is a luxury that might not be afforded me if I lived with a spouse and with children.

I would surmise that one of the dangers with which many single pastors find themselves struggling is a propensity to overwork, to invest more hours in both the office and in the "field," and thus to avoid opportunities of loneliness and alone times. The assumptions mentioned earlier in this article about how staff arid congregation alike may overload a single pastor with extra responsibilities because they don't have family obligations is just one side of the coin. At time, singles do this to themselves. They set themselves up, perhaps as a means of not dealing with other difficult realities in their life, to work more, fill more hours, and thus to be alone less. Some of this tension is a spiritual struggle. Being alone with ourselves is a difficult step in and of itself. And being alone with and before our God at times moves us inter a yet more difficult realm. For .sonic, the hours spent alone arc wrapped in the blanket of horedoin. For some, alone times mean working at home, in a different arena, with different needs, but still working. Single pastors need to embrace recreation and to play as much as any human person. Singles need perspective, for a sense of self and for a more balanced and healthy ministry.

I have not researched in a scientific way the variables that exist between men and women single pastors. My experience and my conjectures lead me to believe. However, that there arc considerable variances. I believe the struggle for women in ministry, by means of acceptance and adoption into the full work of the church, is still before us. Certainly the Church has made great strides; yet there are areas where the church has yet to welcome and embrace the scope of ministry possibilities that women clergy can offer. Various denominations have progressed more and less rapidly. For women clergy, the "roles" and "labels" placed upon them are often echoing societal discriminations and "labels." The whole church needs further redemption—not, of course, just with singles.

A final liability, which has a flip side of an asset for the single, has to do with issues of "move" and changes of call. In the parish context, when a pastor entertains thoughts of a different challenge, a different position and a different call, many processes are required. Some talk to judicatory representatives who make these decisions for them, some circulate resumés and dossiers in hopes of being interviewed by other churches. And through such processes, clergy move from call to call. When a married clergyperson makes a geographic move, he or she moves with spouse and family. Although they may move to a new area, to a place and church where they have no close connections except the call of God, they at least take with them a network of support (varying though it may be)—a person or people with whom they can "be" and with whom they can "let down" and be vulnerable.

With each move a single makes, however, he or she uproots any support systems that may have been established. The single minister may go geographically where he or she is a stranger, where the comfort of a family system with which to feel one’s way through new situations and trials is absent. The asset of this is that in entertaining job changes, the single pastor does not have the pressure and responsibility both of interpretation and concern about how a move will impact spouse and/or children. The single does not have to be concerned about where children will go to school, what jobs might be available for a spouse, and so forth.

Is the other person's grass greener? Is it "easier" or more desirable to be one side of the fence or the other, married of single? I suppose that it is mostly a matter of perspective There are those who are single by choice, others by design. There arc those who are married who wish they were single again. There are those who are single who once were married. T he call of ministry is before each; and although marital status brings with it particularities in ministry, the call is still from a God of grace and a Lord of love—a call not based on whether one should marry or should stay single but, rather, one is to "do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with God."